A Public Apology

I think it’s time I mention someone who has unfailingly been by my side since my mom first went into the hospital a little over a month ago.
This person has been with me from the moment I was told my mom was going to die. She went out of her way for me so that I could spend several days visiting my mom while my mom was in the hospital.
This person has tried her best to be supportive even though I’ve treated her like crap, blamed her, pushed her away, told her she didn’t care, dumped all my anger and pain out on her, and have made her life a living hell.
Rather than be comforted, I’ve ignored her attempts at support and let it go unrecognized, or blamed her for NOT showing any support when clearly that is all she’s been trying to do.
Yet, she has continued to put up with me. She has tried her best to understand what I was and am going through, and has continued to make every attempt to be comforting and supportive even though I’ve just pushed her away.
So now, I just want to say that I love my wife for going through this with me. For putting up with all the crap I’ve dumped on her when she didn’t deserve it. For placing blame, frustration, and anger on her as a way of coping rather than leaning on her for the support she’s tried so hard to give.

I’m sorry I’ve put you through hell right along with me this last month. I hope you can forgive me┬áDonna.
I love you

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I Must Be Strong

I find it odd that during the month my mom was in the hospital dying of cancer, I never cried, never let it get to me, and I stayed strong.
Now that she’s gone, it’s hit me like a ton of bricks, I have moments where I just feel like spontaneously crying, and I’m just weak, drained, and depressed.

Today is my wife’s 31st birthday and I just sat around starting off into space. Then I laid in bed, cried a bit, and then fell asleep for two hours until she went to work.

I can’t let this get to me. I miss my mom terribly, but I have a wife and 4 kids who need me too. So I must be strong and try to move past this and not let it consume me.

A Call

A nurse called me at 5:30 this morning and said mom’s breathing was erratic and raspy and her pulse was irregular.

It’s gone from taking it one DAY at a time to one HOUR at a time.

So again, I must prepare myself because this day may be the day that I lose my mom.

Lingering

My Uncle called last night and said mom was about the same. She was drinking a bit but that was it.
She is back to having periods of apnea where she quits breathing for 20 to 30 seconds and then she’ll take a big gasp of air.

A nurse called me the other morning when mom was having the same apnea and wanted to get the family gathered because the nurse thought perhaps mom was taking her last breaths.

But she’s still here…lingering.

And I still continue to wait for THE call. The call saying she is gone.

As for now, I must get a bit of sleep. I am emotionally and physically exhausted from this whole situation :(