I’ve got an attitude. I’ve got a temper. I have a really hard time controlling my grouchy attitude and temper. I have a hard time being nice. And I HATE IT! Since I’ve rededicated my life to Christ I know what I should NOT be doing and what I SHOULD be doing. This is all part of what the holy spirit does in me. He lets me know right from wrong. He convicts me of sin. But you wouldn’t be able to tell by hanging around here that I’m a Christian, simply because I’m always a grouch.
I have gave some things up that I know are wrong. I quit smoking. Yes, I quit because I knew it wasn’t pleasing to God. I told Him I was going to quit and I did. Not for myself but to please Him.
I mostly gave up cussing and swearing. Sometimes I’ll get really frustrated with the kids or with Donna and a bad word will slip out though.
The biggest problem is my anger, frustration, and my temper. The other day I took Daniel to a doctor appointment in the morning. When we came back home Donna was waiting at the front door for me. She asked me what the doctor said and I snapped at her. When I got inside I snapped at her again and let loose my anger on her. I said many bad things to her and let loose some pretty nasty words. I totally lost control of myself.
In the middle of our fight I realized what I was doing and I broke down. Firstly because I had went off on her for no reason and hurt her. Secondly because what I had done was absolutely not pleasing to God. And third, our children were watching. I felt awful. I felt horrible. I wanted to go crawl in a hole and die. Mostly because what I had done wasn’t pleasing to God and totally against what He would do and against what I myself should do. The old saying “What Would Jesus Do?” always comes to mind. He certainly wouldn’t have done what I did by losing His temper and saying and doing what I did.
I won’t go into details about what happened afterwards but things were okay. I won’t say they were fixed but they got better. But I HATED that I did that. I absolutely hated that it happened.
I absolutely HATE my anger, my attitute, my grouchiness, my temper! I hate them all. I tell myself that today I’m going to be in a good mood. I’m going to be nice and respectful to Donna and the kids no matter what. I pray about it and tell the Lord to give me strength to make it through the day and help me keep my cool and being patient and loving. I usually never make it. Either Daniel won’t listen in the morning and is being out of control…or Skylar is whining about something….or Gabriel is crying…or all three of them are going at once. Then I lose my cool and let my temper flare on them. It’s usually nothing major. Just me ranting and raving about how annoyed I am with them. If Donna gets in my way then she might be in for it too. Especially if I even think that she might give me any type of attitude herself. So much for being in control.
I don’t know why I do it. I can’t control myself and I always…ALWAYS feel guilty about it. Especially at the end of the day when I look back on how the day was. Of course, I ask the Lord for forgiveness in Jesus Name. I know I’m forgiven by Him…but am I forgiven by Donna? by the kids??
I know Donna hates my attitude and I know that I should be more patient and understanding with my children. I really WANT to be. I hate not being able to do what I really want to do… which is be a loving, patient, kind, father and husband. Instead, I’m a big, fat ol’ grouch most of the time.
It always reminds me of what Paul said in Romans 7:14–25
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. [a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature [b] a slave to the law of sin. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
I wish I could get to church. I think it would help to be able to hang out with other Believers. To get involved in church. I haven’t been to church since I was a teen. I’m really missing it now. Sundays are totally out since Donna works nights. I don’t even know if I would be comfortable in church with my stupid social anxiety. *sigh* I’ll keep praying about it too.
So anyhow. I didn’t really have anything to update about and this has been on my mind for a while and I wanted to write it down here. So there you go.
Josh, Anger and temper are the two things that over time God has removed from me. I still get mad, but nothing like I used to. I gave my life over to the Lord 5 years ago. We are new creatures. And day after day we are called to pick up our cross and to follow. And the more you do that the more you fallow in His steps. The path becomes easier. I’ll be the first to admit I am fallen. I am far from perfect. I make mistakes daily. The difference is I am forgiven. Stick with it buddy! I’m sure quitting the butts has added to the “anger” problem. Give it time. It’s not like flipping a light switch. It took you how many years to get where you are? Only one man was perfect. And He died to pay your price.
Thanks. Right after I typed up this post the other night I prayed about it. Then I turned on a Christian T.V. station that I watch online sometimes and there was a preacher on there talking about how he used to have sever anger problems and about how it nearly ruined his family. It was like he was speaking to me. He said someone who’s watching has just been touched by my message and I immediately felt…something.
That was two nights ago. The last two days have been really good. I’ve been totally under control and haven’t been angry once for any reason. Miracle? I think so!
Thank you so much for this. I know you wrote it a while ago, but I searched for the Romans verse and your blog came up. I’m so relieved to read someone else’s struggles with knowing a lifestyle is wrong, and not seeming to be able to break away from it. Most of the things in my life are things that I cannot tell my friends, mainly because of my pride and partly because most of my friends are not the best influences for me and would never understand. I am 20, a sinner and I’m very aware of it. I know you don’t know me, but you’re older than me and have gone through what I am going through now. I’d like it if you could glance at my blog and offer some encouragement… it would help a lot, especially since it would still be mostly my secret. Even if you don’t, thank you for the Bible verse. I needed it, and I also posted one that helps me when I need help… maybe you would enjoy it too.
http://foramomentonly.blogspot.com/
I like Cate was looking for that same passage and your blog came up. I am curious as to how this burden has changed for you over the time since you wrote it. When we pray for strength from our weakness the Lord sure does answer us. I suffered from anger and through many life changes have learned a lot about anger. For me, it was trying to control situations and people that were not in my control. Trying to control everything I found was taking the power of God out of my life and trying to do it on my own – since i dont have that kind of divine power it was very frustrating for me and caused me a lot of stress. i had to learn this lesson the hard way because I am stubborn and prideful but I am thankful that the Lord allowed me to go through these difficulties so that I could begin to let go of this sin and find more peace in my life. Once I accepted that God is in control and I have no control in this world I found that the anger of situations and irritation of people subsided on their own. Just thought I’d share this.
Josh, I’m almost speechless, or shud I say wordless!?
I was trying to remember what the scripture about doing what I don’t want to do was and where in the bible, so I googled it and found your entry.
I pretty much word for word am the female version of you! I rededicated my life to God 10 years ago now and there have been ups and downs but lately not a great deal of ups! I started full time study last year and have 3 kids and a husband in staff at our church. I went from mega church involvement and leadership roles to ‘going it alone’. By that I mean I am now totally responsible for my own relationship with God. I don’t have regular mid-week leadership meeting to keep me focused and give me passion and drive and I can’t connect and fellowship with my friends and mentors like I used to cos I just don’t have the time.
I realise you have your own problems and probably don’t want to hear my life story but I just wanted you to know that reading your entry has lifted me. Just to know that I’m not alone, that my feelings are not uncommon….now to work on how to change :0)
I get angry a lot to. But I am trying to control it because i sometimes swear around my mom ane she gets mad at me but I am trying to control it because I just do not want to get angry all the time.
My dad gets angry sometimes., I Just do not want to take all my anger on him because he does not lik eto get mad at me but he loses his temper. That is what I am going to call it
Try asking your Dr. for a prescription for Lexapro 10mg. I’m not saying that all anger issues are physiological or chemical in nature, but some are. It’s helped me alot in dealing with day to day stress. I’m not one to turn to some drug for help either, but I can say, it’s make life with me (for them on the outside and me on the inside) much more bearable, even fun!