The Real Me.
4 05 2008My wife told me the other night she wanted a divorce because she wasn’t in love with me anymore. Naturally, I was devastated. I became more devastated when I realized that it was my fault.
She was ready to end it no matter what. But I had things to say first. And I’ve spent the last several days saying things to her. Things I’ve had stuffed inside for years. I’ve never been this open before… I’ve never been able too.
I’ve certainly been able to open up to her now and I don’t think I’ll EVER have a problem doing it again.
You see because of this situation I’ve been able to become the man who I really am and not the person I’ve been living as for years.
I’ve been living as a bitter, careless, thoughtless, selfish, unloving….guy to say it nicely….
What my blog readers have experienced isn’t the real me either. It’s the pretend me being who I want all of YOU to think I am as well.
After all, on the internet, someone can be the most evil person in cyberspace but be the epitome of goodness in real life just as someone can be a saint online but a demon in the real world…
Anyhow…
I don’t know what ever caused me to become someone other than WHO I really am but something went wrong some where. I’m not a bad person… I’m not bitter.. I’m not selfish… not normally. But I have been…for too many years.
It just took the realization of what I did to bring me back around and to destroy the evil person that I’d become…and to let the REAL Josh back out.
It’s my fault that there is a wall around Donna’s heart towards me. I’m the one who built the wall… I built a wall around her heart and by doing so…shut myself out of her heart… My OWN fault!
I’m not that guy… I’m NOT the guy she’s known pretty much since the beginning when I we first met and I started my heavy drinking.
Oh, I was really ME when we first met online and for the first couple of months after we met.. but after that… that guy started to vanish… and a new, much more evil man began to appear…
I became someone different and have been until my heart was shattered the other night when Donna told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore. That shattering destroyed that evil ME and finally freed who I really am.
The only thing is… it may be too late for the real me…
The Josh that Donna has been seeing the last couple of days isn’t a temporary Josh.. Nor is it not a ploy or a game to try to get her to change her mind or to fall in love with me again… it’s really ME! The REAL me… I told her most of this tonight…
What I haven’t completely told her is the following…though I have said some of it… she got too tired and wanted to sleep but tomorrow I’ll share more of just how far my adoration goes for her…
This guy I am now isn’t temporary… he’s been freed… and he’s here to stay…
It feels weird…. it’s like a sudden change in personality… I’ve just suppressed so much for so many years… Thing is, I suppressed almost everything about me that is GOOD..
You see…
The real me is a cheesy, romantic guy…who likes to write love notes and send her flowers with goofy lovey dovey stuff written on the card attached with it.
I’m a guy who is in love with Donna… who loves her unconditionally and without restriction. Who adores every fiber of her being and who would do ANYTHING for her. I’d crawl on my hands and knees across the vastness of the earth for her. I’d walk through hell and back for her. I’d give my LIFE for her.
I’m a guy who looks at her and sees nothing but beauty. Beauty that surpasses that of any angel in heaven. A guy who can’t find flaw in her because she is perfect in every way. She is more valuable to me than the purest diamonds. Diamonds are nothing but dirt compared to her.
The man I really am wants to care for her and cherish her and NEVER do ANYTHING to intentionally hurt her even in the smallest way.
This REAL me wants to protect her from everything that could and would cause her harm, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too. If I could, I would have any and all hurt placed upon myself if it meant keeping her from it if even for only an instant.
The guy who I am now wants to take hold of her and put her under the safety of my love and my heart and keep her there, even beyond death and into eternity.
For She is the angel in my heaven and without her…I’ll be in hell.
Knowing that I may never get the chance to show her who I really am makes my heart ache terribly.
I told her some of this tonight… I’m not making this up… I feel SOOOO free now that I can be this guy who I really am… But I feel that right now it’s falling on deaf ears when I tell her this… AFter all, there is that wall I built around her heart. And boy did I build it good.
I think only God Himself can help me chisel that away…
I miss MY Donna.. the one who used to feel the same way about me as I do her now… I miss her terribly now. She’s shut away behind that wall too… I don’t know how to get her out….or how to get her back…
But I want her back… I want her back more than I want to take my next breath…. I truly do…I truly do…
I love you Donna Angel
I do not agree with this post.You said you were,unloving,selfish,thoughtless and a few other things that I also don’t agree on.How can you say any of this.You take wonderful care of your children,you serve Donna breakfast in bed,when she is sick you make sure she is OK and to see if she needs anything.Because of her Fibromyalgia you give her back rubs etc to make her feel better.You run errands for her,you go and get her medicine when she runs out.You clean house,do laundry and take care of the dogs and cat.You bend over backwards to make Donna happy.If this is pretend I don’t see it.When I was their I saw the LOVE and ADORATION you had for Donna and my Grami children.You never got any rest because you were to busy caring for and worrying about your family.I am happy you feel free now by talking with Donna.We as humans always feel better talking to our LOVED ones or GOD about what is bothering us and try to heal the problems.I pray also that whatever is the problem it will work out in your favour.I know that you are in pain and your heart aches.All I can say is keep praying to God and keep the faith.Love conquers all.Isaiah 41/10:Fear not,for I am with you;be not dismayed,for I am your God.I will strengthen you,I will help you,I will uphold you with my righteous hand……I will continue praying for your healing..May God bless you with peace,love,blessings and Miracles.I am always close at hand if you want to talk to me about anything.I love you,I care about you,and am thank-ful you are my Son..Love your forever MA in NE.
Josh, I haven’t gotten that impression of you from reading your posts either. I think we all know that cyberspace is not reality and that we are both more and less than what we post here. I think you are a decent person and I hope you work things out with her.
I’m sorry to hear about this, Josh..but I think you are judging yourself much too harshly. Just like it takes two to make a marriage, it takes two to end one. You really need to look into yourself and differentiate between what you want and what you can have. Your life may be about to change into directions you didn’t expect or want…but you still have yourself; and that can grow, and change, and be happy.
Take care friend. I’m thinking of you.
I’m not sure who to believe, you or Ma in NE! Either way, good luck man. If your change is necessary and true, then I wish you the best.
I’m glad to see this Josh, again. I missed him. I hope this Josh sticks around for awhile. I might be able to fall back in-love with this guy
That selfish, thoughtless, and unloving guy was just a pain in the ass!!
Sorry to hear this Josh. I didn’t ever get the impression from any of your posts that you’re selfish or anything like that, but as you said, sometimes, all is not as it seems.
I hope you and your wife can work things out. I wish you both the best of luck!
Josh..I too disagree with your comments on yourself..I have known u all your life and even as a little boy you were nothing but kind and caring.It saddens me to think you have formed this opinion of yourself.It is my opinion you are still indeed the “old Josh” …the only changes I can think of is the ” world” that surrounds you.God bless and I pray this will work out the way HE wants it to be.
lu very much
AJ
The Josh I’ve known all his life has never been cold and uncaring — quite the opposite. The Josh I have always known is intelligent, humorous, nurturning, and VERY much in love with his wife. However, I know that even the mildest mannered, sweetest natured person can be driven outside their normal behaviors. I know that because my personal temperament is mild mannered and kindly, but when my temper is finally ignited by outside influences, people run for cover.
I’ve been married 43 years to the same man. Nothing is perfect all the time. Each mate must constantly search their own heart and modify behaviors — not just one. I can see you’re willing to accept your wife as she is because you love her. That is unconditional love. If your wife loves you, she will search her heart and do the same.
There are not two Joshes. There is only one, trying to make sense out of a fractured life.
hey…i just wanna wish you all the best in getting her back!
really hope you two will patch things up and make things work!
God bless!!!
Woo.
Tough wife.