So the other day I got a package from Amazon.com. Donna asked me what the heck I ordered from Amazon. WTF? I didn’t order anything!

So she opens it and lo and behold there is a Zune in there! WTF again?!

It only takes me a second to figure out where it came from. I won it from Pepsistuff.com! I’ve been putting my Pepsi codes in there and entering to win a Zune! I’ve probably entered 50 times. They give away 5 of them a day. Obviously I won! Dang exciting!(Clicky here to see the Zune I won!)

If you don’t know what a Zune is, it is Microsoft’s equivalent of an iPod. And I really love the thing. I can watch videos on it, put my music on it, pictures, and even listen to FM radio! Nice!

In other news: My laptop screen died so I had to take the damn thing to BestBuy again. They said it will be two weeks before I get it back. So that sucks. Now I know why I hate HP junk… because it’s JUNK! Good thing it’s still under warranty. Two more qualified repairs and I get to quote the Best Buy Lemon Policy to them and they have to give me $1400.00 store credit so I can replace the piece of shit.

Also, I’ve found a way to make huge money online. Won’t say much about it until I can prove it though. Hopefully I can make it work out. It’ll take some time to build up to making over a hundred bucks a day though.. yes a DAY! It’s legit and legal too…That’s all I’m going to say about that…

IN fact, that’s all I’m going to say about anything! See ya!

To watch in HD. Click “hd is off” button in video, go to Vimeo site and play the video in full screen.

I wish my wife knew how much I loved her. I wish she loved me like she used to. I feel so lonely…

I may post a video tomorrow….

My laptop hard drive died so I had to take it in to Best Buy for repair. After it gets repaired I will update this (probably make a video) to let everyone know what is happening with me and my life.

Until then, I’ll have to keep you in suspense…

My wife told me the other night she wanted a divorce because she wasn’t in love with me anymore. Naturally, I was devastated. I became more devastated when I realized that it was my fault.

She was ready to end it no matter what. But I had things to say first. And I’ve spent the last several days saying things to her. Things I’ve had stuffed inside for years. I’ve never been this open before… I’ve never been able too.

I’ve certainly been able to open up to her now and I don’t think I’ll EVER have a problem doing it again.
You see because of this situation I’ve been able to become the man who I really am and not the person I’ve been living as for years.

I’ve been living as a bitter, careless, thoughtless, selfish, unloving….guy to say it nicely….
What my blog readers have experienced isn’t the real me either. It’s the pretend me being who I want all of YOU to think I am as well.
After all, on the internet, someone can be the most evil person in cyberspace but be the epitome of goodness in real life just as someone can be a saint online but a demon in the real world…

Anyhow…

I don’t know what ever caused me to become someone other than WHO I really am but something went wrong some where. I’m not a bad person… I’m not bitter.. I’m not selfish… not normally. But I have been…for too many years.
It just took the realization of what I did to bring me back around and to destroy the evil person that I’d become…and to let the REAL Josh back out.

It’s my fault that there is a wall around Donna’s heart towards me. I’m the one who built the wall… I built a wall around her heart and by doing so…shut myself out of her heart… My OWN fault!

I’m not that guy… I’m NOT the guy she’s known pretty much since the beginning when I we first met and I started my heavy drinking.
Oh, I was really ME when we first met online and for the first couple of months after we met.. but after that… that guy started to vanish… and a new, much more evil man began to appear…
I became someone different and have been until my heart was shattered the other night when Donna told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore. That shattering destroyed that evil ME and finally freed who I really am.

The only thing is… it may be too late for the real me…
The Josh that Donna has been seeing the last couple of days isn’t a temporary Josh.. Nor is it not a ploy or a game to try to get her to change her mind or to fall in love with me again… it’s really ME! The REAL me… I told her most of this tonight…
What I haven’t completely told her is the following…though I have said some of it… she got too tired and wanted to sleep but tomorrow I’ll share more of just how far my adoration goes for her…
This guy I am now isn’t temporary… he’s been freed… and he’s here to stay…
It feels weird…. it’s like a sudden change in personality… I’ve just suppressed so much for so many years… Thing is, I suppressed almost everything about me that is GOOD..

You see…

The real me is a cheesy, romantic guy…who likes to write love notes and send her flowers with goofy lovey dovey stuff written on the card attached with it.
I’m a guy who is in love with Donna… who loves her unconditionally and without restriction. Who adores every fiber of her being and who would do ANYTHING for her. I’d crawl on my hands and knees across the vastness of the earth for her. I’d walk through hell and back for her. I’d give my LIFE for her.
I’m a guy who looks at her and sees nothing but beauty. Beauty that surpasses that of any angel in heaven. A guy who can’t find flaw in her because she is perfect in every way. She is more valuable to me than the purest diamonds. Diamonds are nothing but dirt compared to her.
The man I really am wants to care for her and cherish her and NEVER do ANYTHING to intentionally hurt her even in the smallest way.
This REAL me wants to protect her from everything that could and would cause her harm, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too. If I could, I would have any and all hurt placed upon myself if it meant keeping her from it if even for only an instant.
The guy who I am now wants to take hold of her and put her under the safety of my love and my heart and keep her there, even beyond death and into eternity.

For She is the angel in my heaven and without her…I’ll be in hell.

Knowing that I may never get the chance to show her who I really am makes my heart ache terribly.

I told her some of this tonight… I’m not making this up… I feel SOOOO free now that I can be this guy who I really am… But I feel that right now it’s falling on deaf ears when I tell her this… AFter all, there is that wall I built around her heart. And boy did I build it good.

I think only God Himself can help me chisel that away…
I miss MY Donna.. the one who used to feel the same way about me as I do her now… I miss her terribly now. She’s shut away behind that wall too… I don’t know how to get her out….or how to get her back…
But I want her back… I want her back more than I want to take my next breath…. I truly do…I truly do…

I love you Donna Angel

I won’t be posting in here for a while. I need to take a break and evaluate some things in my life. I need to think about many things that need to change. I need to figure out how to get back on track with many things that have gone off course.

When/if I get this done then I’ll be back.

I went and kidnapped my mom from Nebraska last Sunday. She has been staying with us ever since. I have to take her back home on Saturday. We’re going to stop at the casino for a little bit before heading back. Just put a few bucks in the slots and leave with our winnings (or losings depending on how lucky we are).

Things have been going good this week. Mom, the kids, and I have been hanging out quite a bit. Haven’t really done too much though. We went to the lake, and the park, and ummm.. that’s about it.

I’m hoping that by bringing my mom here for a week that she’ll decide to move to Topeka. The only thing is getting her set up here the same way she is in Nebraska. She’s disabled and has lots of assistance in Nebraska that I’m not sure she could get here. For instance, there is a place in Nebraska that pays her rent for her since she lives on a very limited income. I’m not sure if there’s such a place here in Kansas. She certainly couldn’t afford the price for rent here in Topeka. I don’t know… We’ll see what we can do.

It’s nice having her here though. She helps take care of the kids and keeps the house cleaned up. I really appreciate it. I’m not USED to getting much help around here. So, thanks for the help MA!!
Plus, it’s just nice having her close. Too bad she has to go back home 150 miles away in a couple days.
Hopefully we can get something figured out so she can move here to Topeka.

Also, I have to thank my wife for allowing her to stay here for a week and being nice. I appreciate that too.
Of course, in May my wife’s mom is coming to stay too… but only for a week-end I think. So that makes it even…sorta.

Here’s a picture of my mom and my daughter Skylar. I snapped this at the park the other day:

So after some long, hard thinking. I’ve decided to go back to work doing something. Right now I’d prefer something with minimal public interaction due to my social anxiety disorder. I’m thinking some kind of night shift work. Perhaps unloading trucks and stocking shelves at Wal-Mart or something similar.

There’s no way in hell I’m going to be a cashier or any crap like that like I was years ago at Dillon’s. I couldn’t handle that. But something that doesn’t deal with the public.
So I’ve been looking into that and already have put in a couple of applications.

We’ll see how that goes and I’ll let you know. It would be odd indeed if this was no longer a stay-at home dad blog.

I just have to overcome my severe social anxiety and force myself out to get a job. It may take a few weeks but I’ll get there.

I’ll keep you updated on the job search…

So I’ve been told a couple times now: “Boy Josh, you’ve lost weight!” If that doesn’t make me feel good.
I’ve been working out on and off for the last two and a half months. I’m in a LOT better shape than I was 3 months ago and I’ve built quite a bit of lean muscle mass which helps boost my metabolism.
Our scale is broke so I have no idea how much I weigh and really don’t care. Right now I’m just concentrating on my workouts and improving my fitness level and building muscle, which will in turn burn fat.
I haven’t even been worried too much about what I eat and how much. I eat when I’m hungry and I eat whatever’s available. Whether it’s McDonald’s cheeseburgers or fruit and veggies.
I stopped obsessing over what I eat because my metobolism has increased so much that I can pretty much eat anything now and not worry about it sticking to my ribs. In fact, I can probably eat anything and still continue to lose weight. Though a lot slower than if I was eating a reduced calorie diet. But who the hell likes eating LESS? Not me! I love to eat which is one reason why I got so fat in the first place. Except now I can eat a lot and then turn around and burn it off by exercising!
Speaking of exercising, I think I’ll go do a 20 minute morning warmup workout to get my metabolism pumping…. Have a wonderful, warm Spring day everyone!

So Gabriel was upstairs in his room earlier and he was SUPPOSED to be taking a nap. Apparently he thought it would be fun to take off his diaper, shit all over the place, and then paint the wall with it!

Now I get the joy of preparing myself to go clean this up! I hope we have some super stain remover somewhere because this is going to be a hell of a chore.

I guess I’d better get ready to go clean up the mess. I think I’ll have some lunch first though.

Click below to see the picture of the shitty destruction. If poop makes you puke then don’t click below.

If you landed directly on this post then there’s nothing for you to click, you’ve already seen it, and I’m sorry for the trauma.